I just saw Closer, a very intense movie. It invoked several thoughts of which I now find myself contemplating. The intensity of emotion that often results from intimacy is intimidating and scary. Falling in love is hard to do couldn’t be more wrong. I find myself numb at the idea of trying to feel such a thing and building walls to prevent it. Lately, the idea of dating scares me and I avoid it. I can’t imagine myself in a relationship that makes any sense which is probably why I seek out pointless, senseless and useless relationships that only perpetuate my fear.
Don’t get me wrong, I dream of the White-Picket-Fense dream, the one of happy fairytales that saturate our idea of marriage and love. The mistaken truth we’ve been fed all our lives, filtered to rid truth, raw emotion, lies, deceit, and all the other ugliness of the world that doesn’t escape love.
Why is love and marriage thought to be so protected from the ugly truths that exist in this world? Like a heavenly halo and sphere of protection prevents corruption of love. An idea that has probably cost many a relationship and marriage because people fool themselves into a false sense of security. Not only in the relationship but within themselves. People get lazy and comfortable and stop trying. They stop knowing what to do, too.
I find myself thinking about love lately. Maybe because of recent events and situations or maybe because I’ve been some what reflective about life and where I’m going. It’s a transition period or something that has made me really start thinking. Right after college with a lot of decisions to make and not a lot of history supporting those decisions.
On top of this reflection, it’s a New Year and everyone screams of new revelations and hope and resolutions to be fulfilled–I’m at a loss about my own resolutions. Which leaves me to more thought.